Dear friends,
A – always – D – diverse, h – Happy and D – different.
A busy week at work and an even busier weekend as part of the Coronation celebrations, perhaps it will come as no surprise to you, that I did get an ADHD diagnosis, but I am still digesting it. I haven’t had the report yet, but as it took me 8 hours to fill out the forms and I spent 2 hours and 17 minutes with the psychiatrist, I await a detailed essay from him. I can happily share the reports that you fill in if anyone is interested to see what they ask. I’ll even share what I wrote if you want……
Several things come to mind from the assessment.
Dr Utpaul Bose was a lovely man who laughed a lot, really made me feel at ease and also made me feel that having ADHD is special, nothing to be ashamed of and in the future must be recognised earlier. He is an expert in adult ADHD and works with criminals, helping them to understand their condition and I hope rethink how to make use of their talents.
High functioning ADHD with some autistic tendencies – perfectionism, extreme tidiness – to name a few…
He talked about high functioning ADHD in my case, which I had never heard of and also laughed a lot at my autistic tendencies, this came as quite a shock. I am learning that many ADHDers have some autism and AuDHD is becoming a thing. I had absolutely no idea that autism and ADHD came together, I thought they were so different.
I also feel comfortable to say out loud that unfortunately I was misdiagnosed 14 years ago with Unipolar Depression by a fully qualified Psychiatrist. She spent an hour writing notes whilst firing questions at me and hardly looked at me at all, I cannot recall what she looked like. With Dr Bose I felt like we were having a grown up conversation where he seemed genuinely interested to learn from me what life is really like to live with this condition. He kept saying ‘that is so interesting’ where I am used to people saying ‘oh yes, I feel like that too, I totally understand’ when I think they actually are being kind and empathetic, but don’t really get it.
I went cold turkey on the anti-depressants, despite being told not to. This week I have rediscovered my emotions, thoroughly taken away from me when I was on the medication. Why did I not understand that taking anti-depressants dampens how you feel? I didn’t feel better, I felt nothing at all. No one explained what would happen or what should happen. I didn’t shed a tear over the death of my mother, imagine how bad, deep down, I feel about that now. What sort person doesn’t shed a tear over the death of a parent….as for the awful side effects – well you get them if you come off the medication you need. I never needed it, so no side effects whatsoever. The psychiatrist said that that was proof I was on the wrong medication for 14 years!
AUTISM – what is it?
I am ashamed to say that my societally learned definition of Autism is based on the idea that autistic people have a very single focussed brain often to ridiculously high standards and show symptoms of inability to communicate showing discomfort with any type of change. They are usually extremely gifted in one particular area. – The truth of Autism, – I need to research this – I really don’t know.
ADHD – What is it?
My learnt idea of ADHD, based on kids I had taken a lot of interest in, were nightmare teenage boys who were unable to focus on anything at all and intent on disrupting everything around them to gain attention. I also assumed that these kids were not very bright.
I am being incredibly honest, an ADHD trait I now know, but I am disgusted in my lack of understanding of both conditions and even more so that I am a teacher and surely should have known better. To be fair these boys, two in particular I will never forget, were from my teaching days in the early 2000s. Unfortunately we didn’t have many diagnosis’ in those days, although I felt shocked that children were given medicine to get them to sit still. It really seemed wrong to me then.
Now I have a complete understanding of ADHD from the inside out – it is not what I thought.
I will definitely go on medication now that I understand what it is for. I will also research ADHD by following courses, listening to lectures and working through workbooks.
I have discovered that ADHD is a condition. My brain is different to neuro-typical brains. There isn’t a spectrum, as there is in autism, if you are born with a different brain you are stuck with it. Medication does help to improve focus, but learning to navigate the neurotypics is the only way to survive.
I have learnt that I am not as stupid as my exam results and people (who I’m sure meant well) made me feel. I have gifts, they are not typical gifts, in fact they are incredibly quirky at times and that it is a good thing.
Finally I have learnt that my life has been a huge struggle with many obstacles which I will go into in further emails. However the psychiatrist thought that I had navigated them amazingly well considering the difficulties I have encountered along the way and for that reason I feel extremely proud of myself.
I now intend to use my gifts to spread the word about how to create a level playing field for those of us who start off differently. My career may go in a completely new direction, who knows?
Thanks for reading and please spread the word amongst the neurotyps of this world. More on this another day.