2024 – To stop pointless tragedy, it’s time society changed for good!
Today I am angry – angry with society – angry with our inability to be flexible and accept that normal is ‘where we are at’ and ‘how we are born’. If we don’t fit in with society’s normal, that does not make us abnormal so why does society make us feel we are different?
‘Well they all get there in the end’ – sighed an elderly friend of mine. I remember her children being small, now her grandchildren are PHD students and high-flying doctors. Growing up out of the ‘everyone has a right to go to University’ age, her children and grandchildren have certainly made it in the eyes of society. She had been asking about my son, we had talked about covid and how it had held back the younger generation in their 20s, eager to start their careers and literally stopped in their tracks. Yes my son had ‘got there in the end’, however, despite his genes, he isn’t neurodivergent and I am sure that this has made his life easier than some.
The rise in diagnosing ‘neurodivergent’ conditions has been considerable over the last few years, but the understanding from general society is not moving fast enough, in my opinion. Within my acquaintance circle I have evidence of young people who are still not ‘getting there’ and this smacks of neurodivergent young people who have not been supported in their former years by school and society.
Schools may now accept that there are marked differences in the behaviours, learning styles and indeed gifts of neurodivergent people, but I don’t see enough evidence to show that neurodivergence and particularly those with ADHD, are being made to feel anything other than ‘different’. Once you feel the differences are wrong, the slippery slope begins. Your mental health will be affected and too often a diagnosis of anxiety, rather than an understanding and support mechanism, is set in place. Talking to a counsellor about how to change your thinking patterns will not regulate your neurons that work differently to a neurotypical brain. Once your true condition is understood, and in many cases medicated, then it is time to get counselling, but in my case CBT and coaching were given too early and failed to help me at all.
I recently saw a beautiful film. It was a picture documentary of an ‘outdoorsy’ child who clearly found the wonder in the world around him. This handsome little boy grew into a good-looking, caring youth who oozed excitement and joy. The camera told the story of a child living life within a loving family. At times you could see very clearly that he was fully engaged, concentrating hard on the activity he was involved in. You could feel the sheer happiness of being, the childhood bliss of simply living in the real world. So how and why did this child disappear? He was found 5 months later, to the agony of his parents, dead. His body unrecognisable after so long out in the elements. We will never know what happened, but one thing might be becoming clearer, there is a good chance that this wonderful child cut his life short because in his teenage years he couldn’t fit into society. I can only speculate as to what happened, but perhaps his ‘normal’ was too different for others to handle. Perhaps he was made to feel his curiosity and zest for life, so evident in the film, didn’t’ fit in with ‘normal’ behaviour. Why do we crave the importance of an indoor pressurised learning environment where wonder, curiosity and creativity are put second to memory, organisation and following instructions? Ultimately perhaps his feelings of ‘not fitting in’ led to the worst outcome. A child, with so much potential who ‘didn’t get there in the end’.
On talking to his mother, who now believes she may have ADHD, it seems clear that this tragic story was very probably due to undiagnosed neurodivergence. The video of the happy go lucky adorable child was decimated by society and not given the opportunity to share his many gifts. Shame can lead to hidden depression that in some cases can have a heart-braking end. As a society we are accountable for the outcome of each and every child. Instead of believing it won’t happen to me or worse ‘they all get there in the end’, we need education to understand, notice and be available to support neurodivergent children, to help them to thrive and show their talents. Currently I would argue that there is a lack of understanding and education in this area.
‘Leave ‘em be’ – another quote I have heard recently. Let them be children – and if only we would, if only we could. The pressure to ‘fit in’ is so bad these days that I have heard of ‘3 and 4 year olds’ that are being given workbooks, to get them ready for school. Neurodivergent or not, where has this pressure to make sure your child is ‘school ready’, come from? Surely this will only lead to other parents feeling that they are lacking if they are not also providing workbooks. It may be that this is right for some children and that is fine, but nowadays, it seems to me, every child has to learn to swim, go to music class, converse in two languages and have the social skills to attend at least one party a week before they are three! Of course our desire is to make sure our children ‘fit in’ but ultimately could this be damaging? It is definitely creating divisions between those who have a good memory, regulated attention and processing abilities, who can easily follow instructions, and those who are creative and expressive thinkers who enjoy learning through doing and play.
It is time to educate the world, they DON’T ‘all get there in the end’, but they COULD and they SHOULD.
A youngster recently passed the audition, fitness and academic requirements to become an army musician. The music oozed out of this young person, they have so many talents and a deep desire to succeed. After less than 10 weeks they were ‘let go’. A comment from one of the supervisors went something like this – ‘How could they possibly think that they could have made it in the Household Cavalry as a soldier, when they can’t even keep their locker tidy?’ Time and preparation given, I feel sure that they would have been able to devise a strategy to keep the locker tidier than most.
It is quite common for the neurodivergent brain to create a more efficient plan for the long term, but first they need the time to do this. The locker incident grew out of proportion and was sadly the start of what became a slippery slope. The worst thing I heard was that although this child had had significant learning difficulties at school, they had never had a clear diagnosis, so this was not disclosed on the application. It later came to light that an application with a label would have automatically counted them out in the first place. A clear indication that currently the army has no place for neurodivergent people and yet and I quote ‘they passed the audition and exams with flying colours’. I am hopeful that this will change and that they will ‘get there in the end’. I believe that a clearer plan and time given to create a tidy locker, may have given a completely different outcome. Surely the army thrive on great planning strategies, a talent often seen in the neurodivergent brain.
The sixth child in an unbelievably successful family showed enormous talent and potential at school. Clearly different from peers, they were not afraid to do things their way. Film maker, creative writer, columnist, actor. This young person shone in so many ways, but were they nurtured to help them fulfil all this amazing creative energy? It seems not, in fact I know school did not support his talent as they should have done. Now approaching 30, having been sectioned, drug addiction and denial is making it difficult for others to intercede. They have had a diagnosis, but can they turn their life around? Some think it is too late, but I will continue to hope and disagree. Potential like this should not be thrown away. They haven’t got there yet, but I sincerely hope they find the right support to enable them to ‘get there in the end’. I honestly believe that earlier intervention, support and understanding could have led to a different outcome.
Neurodivergent people can and do succeed, but they DON’T ‘all get there in the end’, by waiting and hoping. In my case there are those who find my diagnosis unbelievable (and there are many, I was warned). What they don’t see is the amazing support I have had my entire adult life from just one person, the person I married. Yes I got there, I got lucky. I still suffer in many ways from society continually misunderstanding what is ‘normal’ for me, but constant support has meant that I have ‘got there in the end’ despite a very rocky start. Having had the support and care I needed, I am now in the very lucky position of being able to share my good luck with others. I believe I can make a difference to many young people if I am listened to and change is made in time to save the next child who might not ‘get there in the end’.
So let’s move forward in 2024 with a supportive society where ‘normal’ is whatever suits you. If you have an excellent memory, fast processing skills and organisational awareness, you will go far in today’s world, but spare a thought and look to support those who don’t. They will undoubtedly have other skills, probably those that we will need as we prepare for our future. The world needs variety and different ideas to make it a better place. These different skills are just as, if not more important. With that in mind, we need to teach our children understanding and supportive behaviour that shows respect for each and every individual to create a new accountable, supportive society and for that we need to educate the society who are teaching the children.
This is written in memory of a wonderful boy with so much potential who ended his life because he felt that he didn’t fit in. This story is beyond tragic, we are all accountable, please, let’s make sure this doesn’t happen to any more children, I never want to have to say the phrase again,
‘They didn’t get there in the end.’